Saturday, October 27, 2012

A Letter to an Asshole

Dear Asshole,

I would like to thank you for stealing my credit card number and racking up $1000 worth of charges the day before our Chicago trip.  Because of your actions, I have been reunited with my long lost friends at Discover, Automated Voice Guy and Steve from Phoenix. I haven’t talked them since the last time one of you assholes stole my purse out of my car earlier this year.  By the way, are you related or do you just share the same name?  No offense, but all you assholes look the same.  Automated Voice guy is great.  You would love him.  He does this funny bit where he pretends not to care about what you’re saying.  I was like “Hey A.V. man!  It’s been so long since we’ve talked.  Can you believe Kenzie just turned 2 and Hudson is in preschool?” and he was like “I need you to verify some activity on your account.”  He cracks me up with that every time.   Talking with Steve from Phoenix was a  totally different experience though.  I was all like “Steve, are you really from Phoenix?” and he was like “No.”.  Then he caught me up with all the musak music I’ve missed out on since the last time we talked.  He’s so sweet, but I really don’t like musak.  Don’t tell him though.  I don’t want to hurt his feelings.  It would make it awkward the next time we talk when one of you assholes steals from me again.

Much love,

On the bright side though...
Hello, Chicago.

No comments:

Post a Comment