Saturday, October 20, 2012

The Great Retelling of the Wood Glue Incident of 2011

Today is Kenzie's second birthday.  I could tell her birth story, but nothing really sums up what it like to be the mother of this child than the wood glue story.  November 4th will be the one year anniversary of the wood glue debacle so it seems fitting that I retell the story today.  On that night nearly a year ago I sat at my kitchen counter with a glass of wine nearly in tears.  Then I realized that what just happened really was funny and needed to be posted to Facebook.  Here is my Facebook status from that day...yes, the whole thing...

    Today we had hardwood flooring installed in our living room.  To set the scene, there is one mobile 1-year old, a distracted mom, and an open bucket of wood glue.  Can you guess what happened next?  I turn around and Kenzie is up to her elbows in wood glue.  I grab her and run for the bathroom all the while trying to keep her from touching her face, hair, etc. and failing miserable.  My poor unsuspecting husband is in the shower and says “Hand her to me and I’ll get her cleaned up.”  You may not know this but wood glue is really hard to clean off, so now not only is Kenzie completely covered, but Eric as well.  Our next plan is to ask the experts.  I go outside to where the workers are eating and interrupt their lunch to ask the more experienced installer on how best to remove wood glue off of a person.  His first suggestion is mineral spirits “but it will burn” or water “as hot as she can stand it”.  I go back to relay this information, we try it and now have two people still covered in wood glue and one screaming hysterically.  Back to the experts who now suggest dishwashing soap and anything oil based.  I come back to the bathroom armed with Joy and vegetable oil.  Eric is trying to leave for work so I take Kenzie and put her in the tub and am now washing my daughter with vegetable oil and dishwashing soap and pouring out the same for my husband.  Eric is now mostly glue free except for one nipple because apparently wood glue adheres rather well to this area.  He has called into work to tell them he is going to be late.  I’m sure they’ve heard the old wood glue to the nipple excuse a million times.  Eric is off, Kenzie is out of the tub and still covered in glue but it is as good as I can get.  I rather hesitatingly put clothes on her, as she is still quite sticky, and get her settled for a nap.  The traumatized toddler sleeps two hours and wakes up with Nick Nolte mug shot style hair.  I can’t tell if this is glue or the remnants of vegetable oil so again we go to the tub, this time with Hudson, who is also due for a bath.  Kenzie is now washed for the second time and happily splashing when what to my horror appears in the tub…yep, that’s right….poop.  Poop, which she is trying to grab.  Hudson is freaking out about being in the tub with Kenzie poop and about his bath being cut short and I am trying to keep my daughter from playing with her own feces.  I hand Hudson a towel and dry off Kenzie and put her on the changing table.  I go to put a diaper on her and now notice that her entire groin area is also covered in wood glue.  I now do what so many moms before me have done and begin peeling dried wood glue from my daughter’s crotch.  You will not find advice for this in any parenting manual.  That finished, I put her in pajamas, brush her matted hair as well as I can and start the water in our tub for Hudson’s bath.  Now Hudson is in the bath tub which has been completely filled and says “I have to go to the potty”.  He jumps out of the bath and goes to the toilet (I am now on the phone with my father-in law—this will come into play later).   He tells me he’s finished and then gets back in the tub.   As I said, I am on the phone and yet again distracted (you think I would learn) and hear splashing coming from the toilet.  I turn to find Kenzie splashing in toilet water.  Toilet water, which also has in it, you guessed it, more poop.  Now I am trying to hang up the phone and yet again keep her from touching her face, hair, etc.  Thankfully, I still have the dish soap handy from when we went through this routine earlier today and manage to wash her sticky glue covered and now poop covered hand off in the sink.   Soooo that’s how I spent my day…hope yours was better.

Little Nick Nolte
Happy birthday, my sweet Tasmanian devil.  Please don't ever do this to me again.

In honor of the almost one year anniversary of the Great Wood Glue Incident, I have one wish for all of you.  May your days be filled with love and laughter and may your nipples and your crotch always be adhesive free.

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