Wednesday, December 12, 2012

How My House Gets Destroyed In Under An Hour-A Theory


Once every two weeks I have my housecleaned.  Every two weeks for a glorious few minutes I bask in the cleanliness that is my house.  Enter my children and within an hour the house is a wreck again.  I have a theory as to how this happens so quickly.

First my daughter eats a bowl of cheerios in the living room.  The Cheerios migrate under the couch where they have a massive orgy and multiply.

Hudson goes to use the bathroom where his bladder expands to hold one thousand gallons causing him to pee on every wall in sight.

Then the two of them go up to the playroom to play.  They are joined by a band of feral children who each have a pet monkey.

Now the Easter bunny, who has Alzheimer’s and is pissed about being upstaged by Santa, comes and smears egg yolk on the stairs.  Instead of chocolate, he gets confused and deposits sippy cups filled with old milk under all the furniture.

We sit down to eat dinner.  The kids smear their dinner all over their side of the table.  Invisible children sitting on the other end of the table do the same.

Now it’s bathtime.  The kids change out of their clothes.  The underwear fairy comes and sprinkles dirty underwear all over the house.  She does the same with the socks.
The kids invite Storm from the X-men into the bathtub.  She summons a hurricane, covering the bathroom in water.

Somewhere in this my dog develops an acute case of alopecia during which he must rub himself on every baseboard in the house.

I don’t know.   It’s just a theory, but I think this might be what happens.

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