Monday, December 3, 2012

Long Story Short, I Did Not Get A Monocle For My Birthday

In honor of my birthday, I decided to become a little near-sighted. It’s really not a dramatic story of getting older and suddenly I’m having to hold my books at arms length to read.  I started getting a headache and felt like I was squinting every time I went to the store or driving, so I decided to go to the eye doctor for the first time in my life.

I actually felt guilty about this.  When my husband is asked to read the smallest line on the eye chart his response is “What eye chart?”. I wasn’t sure my problem wasn’t just that I had dry eye.  What business did I have wasting the time of the good doctor when people like my husband can’t tell you how many fingers are being held in front of their face?

Anyway, it turns out I was just a little near-sighted just in my left eye.  If people that wear glasses are seen as smarter because their vision loss is a result of reading so much, I’m not sure what this says about me.  I think it means I spend to much time staring at things on the top shelves at Target…ummm, with just my left eye.

So really, since it’s just my one eye I could theoretically get away with a monocle.  I think I would be the ultimate hipster.  I would even consider getting a pocket watch to go with it.  Looking like a 19th century train conducter would be totally vintage chic.  The first thing I would do would be to go to my local coffee shop and say, “Suck it hipsters.  I’ve got a mothafuckin' monocle.”

But alas, I just got boring old glasses.  Because in the end I probably wouldn’t be the hipster I think I am.  I would just be the jackass that walked into Eyemart and asked for a monocle.

But now that I think about it, if I wore an eye patch over my right eye it would strenthen my left eye, right?  Game on hipsters.  Game. On.

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