On Being a Just

Last week while driving back from Dallas, I got pulled over for speeding.  I was on  hour four of our trip and the kids were hyped up on McDonald’s, so I must have missed the 35 mph sign.

I saw the cop car pull out behind me.  I prayed for the lights to not come on.  Then they came on anyway and I pulled over.

“I clocked you going 50 mph in a 35.  Any reason why you were going that fast?”

There’s always a reason.  Not necessarily a good one.

“I thought the speed limit was still 50.  I’m sorry.”

“Do you work?”

“No.”

“Are you unemployed or just a housewife?”

And there it was, my worst fear.  To be a just.  Just implies not important.  Just implies I have nothing to contribute.

“Just a housewife.” I mumbled.

I drove away with my speeding ticket and bruised pride.  I beat myself up over not being able to pay attention to the task at hand.  It’s why I am constantly running into things when I park.  But more so, I beat myself up over not being…more.

Tonight the answer came to me through a children’s book.  I was tucking Hudson in and I was reading him “The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore”.  Mr. Morris Lessmore is a writer and lover of books.  One day his world is torn apart by a storm and he finds himself in a library filled with living books.  He becomes their caretaker and sometimes loans out books to the townspeople.  He loans out some well-known stories and some not well known because “Everyone’s story matters.”

Even mine.   It may not matter to a whole lot of people, but it matters a lot to two very important people.  To them, I am just enough.  I am just the person who knows that at bedtime, track 2 is the only acceptable track on the Mozart Bedtime CD and it must be repeated.   I am just the person who knows how to cut a sandwich to the right sized pieces.  I am just the person to tuck them in the right way at night.  I am just the person who knows how to talk to them when they're scared, when they're hurt, when they're frustrated.

Maybe to some people this is just sad.  That’s ok.  I don’t answer to those people.  I answer to myself and two very important people who think that what I do matters.  So maybe one day I will do more, but right now this is just enough.