Sunday, March 10, 2013

How a Vacuum Revealed My True Age

I remember the day that I first felt like an adult.  It wasn’t after getting my first job.  It wasn’t after getting my first paycheck, paying taxes, or even buying a house.  The day I felt like I was really an adult was the day I spent $500 on a vacuum cleaner.

Eric and I had been married for a couple of years.  We had just bought our first house.  We had one Rottweiler named Shelby at the time that shed like crazy.  It pained me to see our beautiful new carpet get covered in a black film of dog hair.  No amount of vacuuming seemed to get rid of it all so we started our hunt for a new vacuum.

Our first stop was Sears.  As luck would have it, there was a salesman demonstrating all the vacuums on a piece of carpet.  I don’t recommend this as a date night activity.  Most of the vacuums left behind some of the dirt or cereal or whatever he threw on the carpet at that time.  Then came the Dyson.  That beast on two wheels vacuumed up everything he put in front of it.  We looked on giddily as it picked up every last Fruit Loop and every tiny piece of dirt.  Scratch what I said earlier about date night.  Bring your own concoction of things to Sears and really test the vacuum demonstration guy.  “Oh yeah…but can it suck up this mixture or glitter, dryer lint and cooked spaghetti?”  Good times.

We left Sears giving each other the play by play of the vacuum demonstration like it was the Super Bowl.  (I use this analogy loosely as I watch the Super Bowl solely for the half time show and junk food.)
“Did you see how it picked up all that dirt?!”
“I know it was amazing!  But…who spends $500 of a vacuum.  That’s insane.”

We agreed and left the store.  Then one day we found ourselves at Target staring again at the vacuum cleaners.  Seriously people, you need to hang out with us sometime.  We are loads of fun.  We kept coming back to the Dyson.
“This is stupid.  I mean…it’s a vacuum cleaner” we said knowing full well that we were going to buy it.
“Well, let’s at least get this one.  It’s not as expensive as this model.” said Eric.
“But this one has pet attachments!” I said.
So out we walked having spent $500 on a vacuum cleaner.  We decided that this was not irrational but was instead some sort of sign of our adulthood.  Some people of lesser maturity might spend that money on booze, techno gadgets, or clothes.  But not us.  We were practical and we bought a vacuum.

Fast forward to yesterday.  I was vacuuming up some couscous that had ended up on the floor after working on a project with Hudson when I accidentally vacuumed up a red pen.  Holy shit!  This vacuum is so strong it actually sucked up an entire pen!  I own the Ferrari of vacuums!  That mature adult that I was talking about earlier would have stopped what they were doing, checked to see where the pen ended up, and then tried to retrieve it before it did any damage.  What I did was to think about the claim from the Dyson commercial guy about their vacuum never loosing suction.  What I did was to continue to vacuum with the pen loudly rattling inside the Dyson.

So now I can tell you two things for certain.  The Dyson claim that their vacuum never looses suction is true.  And the day I realized that I am not really an adult is the day I gleefully vacuumed up an entire pen with my Dyson.

1 comment:

  1. Well crap I'm on my second Dyson in 14 months, and the side panel just fell off. I think it really does suck beautifully, but I live in special circumstances. ;)