Deliverance Comes to Walmart

If you’ve ever thought to yourself “I just can’t get enough of Deliverance and would really like to experience in my own life” should consider going to a Walmart in rural Oklahoma around midnight on a Saturday night.

This weekend Eric and I took the kids and went to my parent’s house.  Saturday night my dad watched the kids so we could run to Walmart for some Mother’s Day cards and because I saw Twizzlers on TV and I really, really needed some Twizzlers.

We pulled up to the Choctaw Walmart and knew we were in for an exciting trip when the first words out of Eric’s mouth were “Is that a midget?”  And yes, it was.  To be precise and politically correct, it was a little person drinking a gigantic can of Monster with about 5 other guys who just happened to be hanging out in front of Wal-mart also consuming large quantities of energy drink.

It only got better inside.  Not to be disappointed, about 10 feet into the store we saw our first mullet.  This was just the first of many.  It was like a wildlife refuge of mullets.  It even housed the rare bleached-on-top-and-down-the-waterfall-yet –dark-on-the-sides fem-mullet.  I heard that this breed was going into extinction but was nursed back to health by the emergence of crocs and acid washed denim.

While walking down the candy aisle (I told you I really needed Twizzlers) I jumped when I heard someone yell “DID YOU ASK YOUR MEXICAN DADDY IF YOU COULD HAVE THAT?  WHY DIDN’T YOU ASK YOUR MEXICAN DADDY?”  The “Mexican daddy” was a rather large Hispanic man who was in Walmart with his rather large wife and was talking to his scrawny friend.  They were pushing around a shopping cart full of chips, soda, and two children.

Then there was this…

24 oz cans of Mountain Dew.  The Champagne of rednecks.  I’m sure glad they had it in diet.

We went to check out and they only had one lane open.  This gave us plenty of time to truly appreciate this Walmart experience.  Oh, and we did.  The “Mexican daddy” and his family were behind us.  When their newborn child started crying, the baby was told by her father “We didn’t bring your baby juice.”  I only pray they were referring to milk and not Mountain Dew.  We also saw a cop walk in that was maybe an inch or two taller than me (meaning he was pretty damn short).  A part of me hoped for a brawl between him and the little person hyped up on the giant can on Monster.  That didn’t happen.

But this did.

That is three horses in front of Walmart.  Because what else would you expect to find in front of Walmart in the middle of the night?