Saturday, July 13, 2013

I’m Sure The Trees Will Understand

Now if you’re like me, you probably looked at this and thought, “Wow, that’s really wasteful.  Why in the world would you need so much packaging for one small stack of business cards, FedEx?”  That was my initial thought, but know I’ve had some time to think about it and have realized that FedEx was really just doing me a favor.

First of all, they put a rubber band around my stack of business cards and that’s nice because you don’t want your business cards just flying all over the place.

Then they put the rubber-banded stack in a box.  Because you don’t want them to get bent.  Or rained on.  I mean what if you just don’t want to put that stack in your purse and you walk out into torrential rain.  Or hail.  Then your business cards would just be a soppy mess and that’s not good.

Then they took the rubber banded and boxed stack of business cards and put them in a bag.  Because if you bought some business cards you want the world to know you bought some business cards.  You don’t just put those business cards in a purse or a pocket. You want people to see you.  You want people to see you and your over-sized brown bag and say, “What did you get at FedEx?” and then you say “I got some mothafuckin’ business cards.  They have my name…and a logo….because I’m important.”  You want to advertise that shit to the world.

Then in the bag of boxed and rubber-banded business cards, they put your receipt. Because what if you had to prove you didn’t just walk into a FedEx Office and walk behind the counter in ninja mode while all the employees are busy making copies and decide to steal a brown bag of unknown paper supplies? Every 10 seconds a middle manager loses his quarterly report to theft and every 11 seconds someone loses a stack of Lost Dog flyers.  I’m not sure if those numbers are completely accurate, but I’m telling you…it’s a big f-ing deal.

Then in your bag of boxed and rubber-banded business cards that you can now prove you paid for, they put in a flyer advertising that their Looney Tunes flash drives are 20% off.  After they told you while you were paying that their Looney Tunes flash drives are 20% off and after you declined to purchase said Looney Tunes flash drive.  Because what if you get home and you’re in bed and you wake up in a cold sweat thinking, “OH MY GOD, those Looney Tunes flash drives were 20% off and I didn’t buy one?!  What the hell was I thinking?  I must find out right now how much longer those gems will be on sale!”

So thank you FedEx Office.  Thank you for looking out for me.  I’m sure the trees will understand.


  1. Oh my goodness. You make crazy funny. This makes me sad as you'll probably never work in politics. To work in politics, you gotta let crazy stay crazy. ;)

  2. Thanks so much for linking up. And for standing with FedEx and not the stupid trees. I mean, c'mon. Breathing is overrated.

  3. Ha! I love your special brand of Pulp Fiction Earth Mama. You're gonna get all rainforest on their asses.

  4. Wow, haha. Surprised they didn't throw in packing peanuts. :)