Friday, August 30, 2013

I Am Done With Nature

This evening I discovered a snake on our front step when I stepped out to take our dog for a walk.  I don’t do snakes.  But since I’ve been talking to my son about being brave, I decided I would be a mature adult and handle the situation accordingly.   I pulled myself together and promptly ran to the bathroom to get Eric and have him kill it.  I showed him where the snake was and then bravely ran inside, closed the door, and hugged my dog while he whacked it with a shovel.  Then I bravely brought him a plastic bag and bravely waited inside while he disposed of the dead snake.

Then being the brave person that I am I took my dog for a walk anyway.  As we were walking by a mailbox surrounded by some small shrubs, one the shrubs started to shake.  Either there was a critter or Miley Cyrus was twerking in there.  (Look, I didn’t write a Miley post like most bloggers so I had to get a joke in some how.)  Anyway, I didn’t wait around to find out.

As I was thinking about how nature wasn’t all that great tonight, a kamikaze lightning bug flew into my eyeball.  I watched it's glow fly through the air and then it got closer...and closer...until it hit me in the left eye.  I imagine that it was a bit like following the light in a near death experience except instead of heaven some little fucker hits you in the cornea.  Incidentally, I believe that ‘Heaven is a Lightning Bug to the Eyeball” is the sequel to the bestseller “Heaven is for Real.”

So I’ve decided that I am done with summer.  Bring on the fall.  Bring on indoor activities because Nature, I am done with you.
I didn't stick around to take a picture, but it pretty much looked exactly like this.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

We All Have Our Strengths

Hudson had a great day yesterday.  He started kindergarten and has made it a full week.  He learned how to spell red and how to say it in Spanish.  He has gotten a blue note for outstanding behavior four days in a row.  He made two new friends at recess.  The first day I picked him up he was crying.  At the end of the day, the kids that are being picked up all wait in a classroom.  There were a lot of kids and it was loud.   The last couple of days he was no longer crying.  When I asked him about it he said, "I was still a little scared today, but I'm going to be brave."

Then there's Kenzie.

Kenzie ate foam hand sanitizer at the gym and I had to wipe it off her tongue with my bare hand.

We all have our strengths.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I’m Trying Not Drowning For Exercise

I thought I’m mix up my work-out today and try swimming laps.  Contrary to popular belief I am not what you would call a strong swimmer.  Also contrary to popular belief, I was not the body double for Gillian Anderson on the X-Files, but I’m getting off topic. I took swim lessons as a kid but spent most of that time screaming bloody murder about jumping off the diving board.

My first mistake was my swimsuit choice.  I bought a one piece Spanx suit at Target because I thought it was somewhat cute as far as one pieces go.  The problem with this is that it’s like getting into sausage casing.  By the time I’m done jumping and shimmying to get into the damn thing, I’m exhausted.

I also bought a swim cap and goggles.  The swim cap is necessary because the drag from my hair is definitely what’s been keeping me from being a good swimmer.  The goggles are necessary so I can better watch 6-year olds swim by me and laugh.

I jumped in the pool in the lane next to where some older kids were having swim lessons.  I couldn’t make it a full lap without inhaling water.  I stopped under the I’m-just-adjusting-my-goggles-not-vomiting-pool-water guise but I think that only works a couple of times.  I imagine the instructor pointing to me and laughing with the 10-12 year only crowd.

After a couple of laps aka flailing about in the water, a gentlemen stopped and said, “Excuse me.  Can I show you a couple of things to make you more efficient?” which I think was a nice way of saying “You look like a fool.  Please stop before you embarrass yourself.”  Turns out he was a triathlete and so knew a thing or two about swimming.  He actually got in the water to give me brief tutorial.  He taught me how to move my arms.  He told me how to turn my head and how to swim with the floaty thing between my ankles so I could practice without kicking.  I thanked him and he got out of the pool.

He stood on the sidelines and watched me swim exactly half a lap after which I stopped to again cough up pool water.  Apparently moving and breathing at the same time is too complicated for me.  I never saw him leave, but I imagine his parting thought was “Well, that was a waste of time.”

Tomorrow I’m working out again.  This time I think I’ll stick to the weights.  I can do that without concentrating on breathing and don’t have to shimmy into my workout clothes.  Although, I don’t get to wear a super awesome swim cap which is kind of a downer.

Friday, August 23, 2013

The School Picture to Top All School Pictures

It was a big week for our family.  Hudson started kindergarten.  He was nervous and excited all at the same time.  Then there was Kenzie...

I'll let you guess how Kenzie felt about not being able to go to kindergarten.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Potty Hell

Four hours into potty training and we’ve been through 3 pairs of Dora panties, pee on the hardwood/carpet, no pee in the potty and oh, I picked up a turd off the floor.
To all you people who told me potty training a girl was easier, you’re all liars.

I had one previous attempt that resulted in multiple episodes of pee on the floor.  I decided that she just wasn’t ready yet and put it aside for a while.  Then we went to Target and happened to walk by the panty aisle.

“I want princess panties,” said Kenzie pointing to a pack of Little Mermaid panties.
“Will you go to the potty if I buy these?”  We already had Dora and Minnie Mouse panties.  For some reason I had higher hopes for the Little Mermaid.  This makes no sense because I don’t even know if her anatomy makes going on a potty feasible.
As predicted when you ask silly things of a 2-year old, this promise ended the same as Anthony Wiener’s promise not to text pictures of his wang again.  Meaning that we’ve had no successful episodes of peeing in the potty.  Don’t worry, she’ s not texting inappropriate pictures of herself.

Here’s a list of some things I have said within this four-hour window:

“Do not wipe your face with your panties.”
“Soccer balls do not go in the potty.”
“Get your foot out of the toilet.”
“Please get your hand out of the way or you will pee on it.”

I suck at this.  I’m trying to stay calm and not loose my cool, which I know is the worst thing you can do, but it’s so hard not to yell, “Why?  Why would you pee on the floor 10 seconds after getting off the potty?”

I’ve done a lot of deep breathing today to get a grip on the frustration.  On the plus side, she did eat her lunch with involved zucchini.  She chose a orange popsicle for dessert.  As she was licking her popsicle, juice dripping down her chest and all over her Dora panties, she hugged my leg and announced, “You’re good at getting popsicles.  You’re a good momma.”

Well, at least I’ve got that.

Monday, August 19, 2013

All the Cool Kids Are Wearing Bike Helmets

This is how my daughter rode in the car with Grandma.

This is how my daughter went to Texas Roadhouse with Grandma and Grandpa.

There is nothing left to say here.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Photo Friday: Send in the clones

Guest Post from Ann

My friend Rand at work took this photo with his phone. Alas, I do not actually have a clone, it's the handiwork of the Clone Camera Pro app. Fun!

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Parenting Fail

We’ve all had those days when you feel like the worst parent in the world.  Maybe you forgot to brush their teeth two days in a row or forgot to make them change their underwear.  Maybe they ate Goldfish crackers for dinner.  Maybe you decided your baby was too pasty white compared to the other babies in your Mommy and Me swim class and you decided to bring your baby to the tanning beds.  Don’t worry, I probably out did you today.  Other than that last thing.  Baby melanoma is no laughing matter.

It had been a rough day.  The noise level in my house had remained steady at equivalent to several Boeing 747s flying overhead while 80’s hair bands played in the background.  Oh, and one of the members of the hair band kept trying to lick the other band members.  By the time we got through dinner I was spent.

I had been half-heartedly listening to the news while doing the dishes when my thoughts turned to that glorious time 30 minutes in the future when the kids would be in bed and I could watch Real Housewives while eating dark chocolate and maybe drinking a beer.  Kenzie came in to ask me a question to which I answered yes.  I have no idea what she had asked me.  I would have answered yes to “Can I have a grenade launcher for Christmas?”.

I finally finished cleaning up and was ready to get the kids in bed.

“Ok, time to get ready for….are you watching Lockup?”

Apparently the news I was watching on MSNBC had finished and Lockup had started. And both my kids were in to it.

“I think we need to watch something more kid appropriate.”
“NOOOOOO!” whined Hudson, “I wanna watch the show about bad guys in jail!”

If I try to make myself feel better I can tell myself that part about how prisoners make alcohol out of fruit in jail shows how even prisoners realize they need vitamins from fresh fruit.  And that part about how to make shanks in kind of like arts and crafts.  Solitary confinement is kind of like quiet time.

Oh, who am I kidding?  It was bad.  And it got worse.

Kenzie was sitting on the couch holding a bag with two M&Ms in it and a face smeared with chocolate.

“Did you eat that entire bag?”

It must have been what Kenzie asked me about earlier.   I recognized the bag from some past birthday party.  I can’t tell you the year, but I remember the last time I saw it, it had been full.  It was a toss up of who was older, Kenzie or the M&Ms.

So just remember, if your feeling bad about your parenting skills at least you didn’t let your kids watch a show involving prisoners talk about how they have sex without getting caught while eating a bad of ancient M&Ms.

Latest kid's show host

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

And Then There Were Four

This Friday our family welcomed another member to our family.  My sister-in-law gave birth to their second daughter.  So today I want to talk to my newest niece.

Well, here you are.  You’re a Brown.

As my first duty as your aunt I want to give you a little guide to this wonderfully wacky family you’ve been born into.

First off, let me introduce myself.  I’m your Aunt Sabine. It’s pronounced Sa-bean-a. Don’t worry.  I have friends that still pronounce it wrong.  You can just call me Aunt Beana.

Second, we have some strange traditions.  Like at Easter, we throw eggs at Granny Vera’s barn.  You were born into this so you may not think this is strange.  I married into this family so I know.  I’m just warning you in case you tell kids at school one day, you know you may get funny looks.  Why do we throw eggs at the barn you might be asking yourself?  Because it’s fun.  That’s why.

Your Papa Brown will tell you some tall tales.  Always run things by Grandma to verify.

Speaking of Grandma, if you ever get into trouble with her, here’s a tip…she loves chocolate.  Preferably dark. This may come in handy one day.

Your big sister will always protect you.  Whether you need it or not.  If you fall down, just let her help you up.   If you don’t she will do so against you will.

Your cousin Kenzie is a wild child.  She will come up with some bad ideas.  Run things by your oldest cousin Hudson first.  He will be the voice of reason.  If he falls through and you happen to be at Grandma and Papa’s house, I refer you to my earlier tip about Grandma and dark chocolate.

And lastly, here’s the very first group picture of the four cousins.  Remember this. They were there at the beginning.  They were there before anything happened, they will be there when everything does.

Welcome to the family, baby girl.  You’re in for a wonderful ride.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Google, You Confuse Me

Google, you confuse me.

I start to type in the word "detachable" and you jump straight to "detachable penis song".

You must assume I am some kind of weirdo.  However, I did then choose to continue with the "detachable penis song" search over my intended one so I guess maybe you're right.


(Make sure you listen to the end when it gets really catchy.)

*Sabine of Suburbia is not liable for dirty looks received in public when you are later caught softly singing the The Detachable Penis Song.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Wood Glue Incident-Part 2

Many of you are familiar with the wood glue story.  If you’re not, read it now so this makes sense.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

Well, today I am going to tell you part two of that story.

After I posted that story to Facebook, I got an overwhelming number of comments. My husband shared the story on his page as well.  His cousin commented and dubbed him with a nickname that has stuck ever since (pardon the pun), but I’ll get back to that in a minute.

For now, I am going to fast-forward from the day of the wood glue incident to about a month later.

Eric and I had just gotten new iPhones.  It was the year that Siri came out and everyone spent their first few hours with their phone asking it thought provoking questions such as “Siri, can you make me a sandwich?” or “Siri, do you have a penis.”  And yes, by people I mean me.  Although I had help.  I was visiting Ann and her husband in Dallas the day after I got the phone and together we brainstormed all sorts of wonderful things to ask Siri.  After we exhausted all the questions, it dawned on me that since my phone was linked to Eric’s I could change what Siri called him.  Instead of “Eric, I have found four locations fairly close to you,”, I could change it to say “Butthead, let me look into that” or whatever else I came up with it.

Enter the nickname I mentioned earlier.  It was brilliant.  I would change his phone and wait for his call from work to tell me about how Siri called him this perfect nickname name in front of his colleagues while he was showing off his new phone.

The problem was it never worked.  I waited with excitement every time he used Siri to ask it directions or look up a phone number, but it never replied with the new name.  After about a month I gave up and assumed it just didn’t work the way I thought it would.

Around this time, we went to visit with our financial consultant.  We met this consultant through some friends of ours that we know from Eric’s residency.  Our friend goes to church with him so we had met him and his family a few times at various barbeques and kid’s parties.  Eric and I do not go to church and you’re about to see why.

After we finished up with the business side of things, Eric started showing off his new phone.  He was demonstrating how Siri worked and asked it to look up something or another.  What he asked, I don’t remember, but I do remember the reply.

“I didn’t quite get that, Dr. Sticky Nipples.”

It was at this point I jumped out of my chair and yelled “YES!”.   I did some proud fist-pumping and perhaps a victory dance.  Eric’s mouth literally hung open as he looked at me to ask, “Did you do that?”
Meanwhile, our consultant just looked shocked and perhaps a bit disturbed.  Eric tried to explain.

“No, really it’s a funny story…”
“That’s ok.  I don’t want to know.”
“It’s nothing kinky.  Last month…
“No…that’s ok.

We invited him and his family to our son’s birthday party shortly after this but he never responded.  I can’t imagine why.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Get Your Kids This Sh*&% Toy

You don't want to wait until Christmas, parents!
Yes, that's right it's game about dog shit.  It's what all the kids will be asking for.

For all those times your kids have asked, "Why can't I pick up the dog poop?"  Now they can!  Don't miss out!  You don't want your children complaining, "But all my friends get to pick up dog turds! Why can't I?"  Because nothing says I love you like fake dog shit.  The family that picks up dog shit together, stays together.

Don't forget to pick up the other fun games in the series-Dog Vomit and Cat Pissed On The Couch Again.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Photo Friday: Just chill

Guest Post from Ann
I've got Friday off, so I'm planning to relax. Relaxing is also a good idea in photography. Nothing good ever happens because you panicked behind the camera.