Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I’m Trying Not Drowning For Exercise

I thought I’m mix up my work-out today and try swimming laps.  Contrary to popular belief I am not what you would call a strong swimmer.  Also contrary to popular belief, I was not the body double for Gillian Anderson on the X-Files, but I’m getting off topic. I took swim lessons as a kid but spent most of that time screaming bloody murder about jumping off the diving board.

My first mistake was my swimsuit choice.  I bought a one piece Spanx suit at Target because I thought it was somewhat cute as far as one pieces go.  The problem with this is that it’s like getting into sausage casing.  By the time I’m done jumping and shimmying to get into the damn thing, I’m exhausted.

I also bought a swim cap and goggles.  The swim cap is necessary because the drag from my hair is definitely what’s been keeping me from being a good swimmer.  The goggles are necessary so I can better watch 6-year olds swim by me and laugh.

I jumped in the pool in the lane next to where some older kids were having swim lessons.  I couldn’t make it a full lap without inhaling water.  I stopped under the I’m-just-adjusting-my-goggles-not-vomiting-pool-water guise but I think that only works a couple of times.  I imagine the instructor pointing to me and laughing with the 10-12 year only crowd.

After a couple of laps aka flailing about in the water, a gentlemen stopped and said, “Excuse me.  Can I show you a couple of things to make you more efficient?” which I think was a nice way of saying “You look like a fool.  Please stop before you embarrass yourself.”  Turns out he was a triathlete and so knew a thing or two about swimming.  He actually got in the water to give me brief tutorial.  He taught me how to move my arms.  He told me how to turn my head and how to swim with the floaty thing between my ankles so I could practice without kicking.  I thanked him and he got out of the pool.

He stood on the sidelines and watched me swim exactly half a lap after which I stopped to again cough up pool water.  Apparently moving and breathing at the same time is too complicated for me.  I never saw him leave, but I imagine his parting thought was “Well, that was a waste of time.”

Tomorrow I’m working out again.  This time I think I’ll stick to the weights.  I can do that without concentrating on breathing and don’t have to shimmy into my workout clothes.  Although, I don’t get to wear a super awesome swim cap which is kind of a downer.



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