Thursday, August 15, 2013

Parenting Fail

We’ve all had those days when you feel like the worst parent in the world.  Maybe you forgot to brush their teeth two days in a row or forgot to make them change their underwear.  Maybe they ate Goldfish crackers for dinner.  Maybe you decided your baby was too pasty white compared to the other babies in your Mommy and Me swim class and you decided to bring your baby to the tanning beds.  Don’t worry, I probably out did you today.  Other than that last thing.  Baby melanoma is no laughing matter.

It had been a rough day.  The noise level in my house had remained steady at equivalent to several Boeing 747s flying overhead while 80’s hair bands played in the background.  Oh, and one of the members of the hair band kept trying to lick the other band members.  By the time we got through dinner I was spent.

I had been half-heartedly listening to the news while doing the dishes when my thoughts turned to that glorious time 30 minutes in the future when the kids would be in bed and I could watch Real Housewives while eating dark chocolate and maybe drinking a beer.  Kenzie came in to ask me a question to which I answered yes.  I have no idea what she had asked me.  I would have answered yes to “Can I have a grenade launcher for Christmas?”.

I finally finished cleaning up and was ready to get the kids in bed.

“Ok, time to get ready for….are you watching Lockup?”

Apparently the news I was watching on MSNBC had finished and Lockup had started. And both my kids were in to it.

“I think we need to watch something more kid appropriate.”
“NOOOOOO!” whined Hudson, “I wanna watch the show about bad guys in jail!”

If I try to make myself feel better I can tell myself that part about how prisoners make alcohol out of fruit in jail shows how even prisoners realize they need vitamins from fresh fruit.  And that part about how to make shanks in kind of like arts and crafts.  Solitary confinement is kind of like quiet time.

Oh, who am I kidding?  It was bad.  And it got worse.

Kenzie was sitting on the couch holding a bag with two M&Ms in it and a face smeared with chocolate.

“Did you eat that entire bag?”

It must have been what Kenzie asked me about earlier.   I recognized the bag from some past birthday party.  I can’t tell you the year, but I remember the last time I saw it, it had been full.  It was a toss up of who was older, Kenzie or the M&Ms.

So just remember, if your feeling bad about your parenting skills at least you didn’t let your kids watch a show involving prisoners talk about how they have sex without getting caught while eating a bad of ancient M&Ms.

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