Thursday, October 31, 2013

Halloween Fail

I had no intentions of doing Halloween decorations.  I’m still trying to gear up for less lame Christmas decorations outside, but Hudson had other plans.  Our neighbors have an elaborate display of pumpkins, skeletons, inflatables and lights so of course Hudson decided that we should do something as well.  Thanks for that neighbors.  I’m just treading water trying to make sure all the superhero and princess underwear are picked up and the hand towels aren’t covered in Nutella when guests come over.  One festive display and then the rest of us with young children are pressured into doing the same.

We compromised and I told him he could pick out a couple of things next time we were at Target.  We walked through the aisles and Hudson looked at everything.  The care he took comparing and choosing was akin to someone choosing an insurance policy or deciding how aggressive to be with their 401k.  I dunno…sounds like something real adults would do with care.  Anyway, we finally settled on some stick-on decorations for the window and some cobweb lights.

We did not choose the gigantic fuzzy black spider.  This did not stop him from having nightmares about a gigantic fuzzy spider coming into his room.  Damn you, Target Halloween aisle!  You still owe me 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

And that was not the end of the damning.  I chose the cobweb lights because it looked simple.  No elaborate stringing of lights.  If you look at the picture on the box it certainly appeared that way.  The box lies and I now realize relies heavily on Photoshop.

There is no f-ing way that these lights are actually hanging this way.  If you look at the edges, despite the perfect cobweb shape, there are no posts or supports that could be holding it in this form.  Unfortunately, our box did not include a physics defying magic wand to make the 4 included suction cups make this shape.  Not even an extra from a Harry Potter movie.  What it did come with was the disappointment of a 5-yr old that can’t understand why you can’t just make the lights look like the ones on the box.

After examining our string to posts ratio, we decided instead to throw the lights over one of our bushes. We told Hudson this was better because that’s where spiders would naturally make their webs.  In pink.  Cause he reminds me everyday that the lights are pink and not purple as promised on the box.

Happy lame Halloween.

Monday, October 28, 2013

I Guess We're Not Done With Nipples

And the nipple conversations continue.  First there was this.  But my daughter is not ready to stop talking about them.

“Dos Hudson have nipples?” she said one day while sitting on the potty.  We’re going to work on her grammar after we have this whole nipple thing sorted out.
“Yes, Hudson has nipples.”
“Dos you have nipples?”
“Yes, I have nipples.”

At this point there was a pause.  I thought we were done with the nipple discussion. We were not.

“I want to kiss my nipple.”
“I don’t think you can kiss your own nipple.”

Now you might think we exhausted the nipple topic.  You might be wrong.  No, really you’re wrong.

Eric was getting ready to go to sleep after a night shift.  The kids came to say good night and Kenzie wanted to tuck him in.

“Daddy, do you want me to cover your nipples up?” she said as she was pulling the covers over him.

Awww.  That’s sweet.  But man I hope we’re done talking about nipples.

I think I may need to invest in this book.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Pumpkin Spice Lattes Will Heal the World

I’ve recently realized that people go apeshit over pumpkin spice lattes.  This revelation came through some trolling of the Starbuck’s Facebook page.   In the middle of summer people were desperately asking when the pumpkin spice lattes were coming back.  Then when it was back there were a million and one selfies of people celebrating the return of the pumpkin spice latte.  I’ve decided pumpkin spice lattes are the crack of suburban women.

So I decided to try one and see what all the hype was about.

It was alright.  Whatever.

I mean it was pretty good, but it’s not like I’m going to lose my mind over it or anything. I’m not a huge fan of pumpkin, but it was pretty tasty.

It’s not like I’m obsessed with it, but I will say that it tastes like it’s brewed from unicorn tears and spices freshly ground by magical elves that live in the Himalayas where they were handed the ingredients directly from God.

I may even go so far as to say that if Congress spent less time fighting and more time posting seflies #fallfashion #pumpkinspicelattes we may not have had a government shutdown, but I think any sane person would come to that conclusion. Independents anyway.  It might also be true that if the tea party changed their name to the pumpkin spice latte party, their poll numbers would be better.  Cause who would disapprove of pumpkin spice lattes?  Nobody…that’s who.

But look, I am completely in control and I am not going to freak out because I discovered pumpkin spice lattes.  Although if a pumpkin spice latte did run for congress, I would vote for it.  I also think it would do well in a swimsuit competition.

I’m going to start posting daily pics to the Starbucks page entitled “Look where I took my pumpkin spice latte today?" and I'll take one of me at the dentist drinking a pumpkin spice latte while getting my teeth cleaned.

I'm going to have three more children just so I can name them Pumpkin, Spice, and Latte.  Then I’m going to take the cutest Christmas card pictures featuring Pumpkin, Spice, and Latte sitting in oversized Starbucks cups and adorable wool hats.

I’m going to write to Josh Groban and convince him to write a song about pumpkin spice lattes.  It will be the most beautiful song of all times and you will weep uncontrollably when you hear it.

Pumpkin spice lattes have the power to turn Chuck Norris’s round house kicks into bear hugs with one sip.

Pumpkin spice lattes hold the cure for cancer, herpes, and restless leg syndrome.

There once was a man that was such a raging asshole that he used to kick puppies and children when he passed them in the street.  Then he had a pumpkin spice latte and turned his life around.  You know him now as Pope Francis.

I’m going to start taking baths in pumpkin spice lattes, while sipping on a pumpkin spice latte and reading a book about the origins of pumpkin spice lattes.

But whatever…it was alright I guess.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Droppin' Some More Beats

Last year I came out with my debut album.  Today I’m unveiling my sophomore album “The Sounds of Dinner”.

Track 1:  I’m hungry

Track 2:  How many bites (do I have to eat)?

Track 3:  I thought you were hungry.

Track 4:  How many bites? (remix)

Track 5:  Get your ear out of your drink.

Track 6:  That one too.

Track 7:  Eat your dinner.

Track 8:  Is tomorrow night after the morning after this night?

Track 9: Musical interlude featuring the sound of my brain melting trying to come up with a response to track 7.

Track 10:  Eat your dinner (remix)

Track 11:  Don’t eat tortillas off of the floor

Track 12:  Eat your &*&%$# dinner, &*#@$! (uncensored)

Track 13:  How many bites? (dance version)

Track 14:  Crying.  Crying and the sound of a fork scraping uneaten food into the garbage disposal.

Track 15: I'm hungry (remix)

If you're lucky I may throw in a bonus uncensored track from the follow-up album “Trying to Leave the House in Time” called “Put your f#$%$%* shoes on!”

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

A Goat, A Head, and a Fence

This was Kenzie at last year’s pumpkin patch.  This year she stayed true to character.  This year her antics involved a goat, a fence, and her head.

When we arrived at the pumpkin patch, Kenzie ran and jumped on every pumpkin she saw much like Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch although I don’t think she has strong feelings about Katie Holmes one way or the other.  Then when she tired of that game, she darted off to the horses determined to ride one right then and there. We were finally able to coral her for a moment to go feed the goats.

This was looking like a nice calm activity and a nice break from the whirlwind of boundless energy that is Kenzie.  Up until the point that she tried to feed her head to a goat.  Alright, I’m not sure what her motives were but I do know that in the few seconds I turned to check on Hudson, Kenzie was screaming and her head was stuck in a fence.  I tried to pull her out to no avail.  I dropped my purse and camera so I could get a better grip.  Around this time a good Samaritan came running over to offer his assistance.  It happened so fast I’m not sure if he pulled her out or if she freed herself, but there she was screaming.  And in her little fist was the handful of feed that she managed to hang on to during this whole ordeal.  I always knew she was tough.  Now I can say she is keep feed from a hungry goat while having her head stuck in a fence tough.

She stood sobbing in my arms while a crowd looked on.   Most likely they were judging the mother who allows her child to become stuck in a fence.  I imagine she saw the crowd and my sympathy and she saw her chance.  I mentioned that she’s tough.  She’s also conniving.

“I wanna ride the horseys!” she wailed through her tears.

Oh, she’s good.  Real good.

Monday, October 14, 2013

One Letter Can Make All the Difference

Phonics can be trouble.  There was the time that I said, “Shit!” while driving when Hudson was about 2-years old and missed a turn.  He then repeated it over and over again.  “Shit, shit, shit, shit….”  I think he was just sounding out his ‘sh’ and ‘it’ sounds.   There was also the time he was working on his ‘f’ and ‘uck’ sounds after his daddy dropped an f-bomb while working in the garage together.

“Don’t say that buddy.  That’s not a nice word.  I shouldn’t have said it either.”
“Yes.  Stop saying it.”
“But I just said fuck.”

He’s always been an early achiever and if it wasn’t for his love of phonics he never would have repeated such profanity.

Ok, that’s complete bullshit.

This other incident wasn’t my fault though and he truly is into phonics these days. Enough so that I’ve actually said the phrase “Stop with the phonics and put your shoes on” when he was standing on the stairs one morning before school sounding out the letters in the word ‘toolbox’.

He’s been learning sight words at school.  They call them popcorn words and they are short words that they are learning to recognize on sight.  One of the proudest moments for a bibliophile like me was when we were reading a book together and he stopped me to say, “I want to work on my popcorn words now so I can learn to read.”

What happened next would make his father proud.

We had went through his popcorn words and were back to reading.  This time he would read the ones he recognized.  I pointed to the word ‘it’ and he paused.

“Sound it out if you don’t know.”

So close.  One letter makes all the difference.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Photo Friday: Get some perspective

Guest Post from Ann

I had to lie down on the floor to take this photo. My point is, don't be afraid to make yourself look momentarily silly to get a nice photo. Chances are, you'll remember the photo better than looking silly. P.S. This is in the chapel at Thanks-Giving Square in Dallas, a cool, peaceful place.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

The Thing My Daughter Said About Nipples

I literally don't know what to say about this.  It is so absurd there is really now where to go with this.  So without further ado...the thing my daughter said to me while getting her dressed after swim class...

"What do nipples do?  I think they're wiggly like spiders."

Now you know.

Monday, October 7, 2013

So This Happened

There are a lot of reasons for why I have been late getting my kids dinner or late getting them to bed. Real Housewives of New Jersey isn't just going to watch itself, people. However, yesterday was the first time it was due to the fact that I had to cut a train out my daughter's hair.

We were driving to Southern Agriculture for some dog food before running to Target for some groceries.  My dog has to have the fancy pants dog food because he will vomit anything else. Apparently he's too good for Purina.

Before we left the house, Hudson had given Kenzie one of his Thomas trains.  He loves his trains so this was a big deal.  Prior to this I would have thought him more apt to give up a kidney before one of his trains.  I made sure to tell him how kind he was and Kenzie was thrilled.

They both took their trains in the car and had them turned on while we driving to Southern Ag.

“AHHHH!  Mommy, I need help!”
“Kenzie, I’m driving.  What?”
“She has the train stuck in her hair,” said Hudson.  I think I heard a snicker.

I turned around at a red light and sure enough there was a toy train entangled in a mass of hair on the right side of her head.  There are a lot of things I can get done at a red light- toy retrieval, handing out of tissues, yelling at a child before they wipe a booger on the seat-but I could tell that this wasn’t one of them.

I pulled into a bank parking lot and got to work.  Right after I got my phone to take a picture, except that my storage was full thanks to the fact that I had taken some videos recently and I never delete pictures.  I tried to delete a picture while Kenzie was happily posing and giving me her best “Cheeeeeese!”  Still no luck so I turned around in my seat to delete a few more.

“Mom, what are we doing?” whined Hudson.
“I’m just checking on something.”  Yes, that’s right.  I went with the I was just Googling how to remove trains from hair guise.  I admit this wasn’t the proudest of my parenting moments but you just don’t pass up pictures like that.

I finally realized my phone was not going to cooperate so I got out and went to work on her hair.  I pulled out small pieces, bit by bit.  After several minutes, I got it down to one quarter inch chunk that would not budge.  I tried unwinding it.  I tried pulling out even smaller pieces.   I tried to give it one good yank which didn’t go over well with Kenzie.  Although she no longer seemed to upset by the train in her hair, I didn’t think I could take her to two stores this way.  I was only a mile from home so we turned around so I could get scissors.

We pulled in the driveway and I ran inside to get scissors out of the kitchen drawer.  Thankfully it was small enough that I don’t think the chunk of missing hair is too noticeable.  But of course, I didn’t do any of the cutting before getting the camera and taking a picture…

Friday, October 4, 2013

Photo Friday: Colorful cocktail time

Guest Post from Ann

If you're ordering a drink and thinking about photographing it against a blue sky, choose something colorful (yes, I honestly thought about which color drink would look best). And if you go to the John Hancock building in Chicago, the Signature Lounge has a great view. 

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Out of My Cold Bacon Grease Filled Hands

Yesterday the Affordable Care Act went into effect and today I see baconless pinto beans advertised like it’s a good thing.  Connected?  You tell me.

Look, I’m not one to make wild accusations on the Internet, but Obama.

Think about it.  We all know he’s communist Kenyan who hates us for our freedom to eat salted meats.  So what a perfect way to take our liberties than some propaganda about how bacon is bad for us.  Sure he didn’t say that, but that’s not going to stop me from saying it.  Why?  Because I love freedom and America.  That’s why.

Now you might be asking yourself, “Now how do you go from a healthcare law to bacon confiscation?”  First of all, if you are asking yourself that you’re probably a communist tree-hugging hippie and you should move to Canada.  Second, microchips and bacon panels.

Yep, that’s right.  Obamacare has a  little know provision that requires every person to have a microchip implanted that monitors your bacon consumption.  If you have never read that provision you’re a socialist granola eatin’ libtard and you should move back to Germany or some other country that hates us for our constitution and incredibly good deals at insanely low prices.

The bacon consumption is then monitored by bacon panels.  The bacon panels are made up of Obama appointees that he picked from his Muslim Brotherhood barbershop quartet.  Sure, that may sound like a crazy accusation but Obama has a funny foreign name so it’s probably true.  Plus, I just wrote it so it’s fact.  Boom.

From there he goes to the United Nations, signs a bacon treaty, and next thing you know we have complete bacon confiscation.  Well,  Obama I have three words for you.  You can pry the bacon out of my cold dead hands.  Ok, that’s technically 11 words, but fuck you.  This is America and I can count however I goddamn please.

So in conclusion,-Obama is the devil, bacon, freedom, ‘Merica.