Friday, October 25, 2013

Pumpkin Spice Lattes Will Heal the World

I’ve recently realized that people go apeshit over pumpkin spice lattes.  This revelation came through some trolling of the Starbuck’s Facebook page.   In the middle of summer people were desperately asking when the pumpkin spice lattes were coming back.  Then when it was back there were a million and one selfies of people celebrating the return of the pumpkin spice latte.  I’ve decided pumpkin spice lattes are the crack of suburban women.

So I decided to try one and see what all the hype was about.

It was alright.  Whatever.

I mean it was pretty good, but it’s not like I’m going to lose my mind over it or anything. I’m not a huge fan of pumpkin, but it was pretty tasty.

It’s not like I’m obsessed with it, but I will say that it tastes like it’s brewed from unicorn tears and spices freshly ground by magical elves that live in the Himalayas where they were handed the ingredients directly from God.

I may even go so far as to say that if Congress spent less time fighting and more time posting seflies #fallfashion #pumpkinspicelattes we may not have had a government shutdown, but I think any sane person would come to that conclusion. Independents anyway.  It might also be true that if the tea party changed their name to the pumpkin spice latte party, their poll numbers would be better.  Cause who would disapprove of pumpkin spice lattes?  Nobody…that’s who.

But look, I am completely in control and I am not going to freak out because I discovered pumpkin spice lattes.  Although if a pumpkin spice latte did run for congress, I would vote for it.  I also think it would do well in a swimsuit competition.

I’m going to start posting daily pics to the Starbucks page entitled “Look where I took my pumpkin spice latte today?" and I'll take one of me at the dentist drinking a pumpkin spice latte while getting my teeth cleaned.

I'm going to have three more children just so I can name them Pumpkin, Spice, and Latte.  Then I’m going to take the cutest Christmas card pictures featuring Pumpkin, Spice, and Latte sitting in oversized Starbucks cups and adorable wool hats.

I’m going to write to Josh Groban and convince him to write a song about pumpkin spice lattes.  It will be the most beautiful song of all times and you will weep uncontrollably when you hear it.

Pumpkin spice lattes have the power to turn Chuck Norris’s round house kicks into bear hugs with one sip.

Pumpkin spice lattes hold the cure for cancer, herpes, and restless leg syndrome.

There once was a man that was such a raging asshole that he used to kick puppies and children when he passed them in the street.  Then he had a pumpkin spice latte and turned his life around.  You know him now as Pope Francis.

I’m going to start taking baths in pumpkin spice lattes, while sipping on a pumpkin spice latte and reading a book about the origins of pumpkin spice lattes.

But whatever…it was alright I guess.

1 comment:

  1. Totally mediocre, got it.

    You should try pumpkin snickerdoodles.