What they feedin’ you, bro? #highfiberdietsucks #turds
Hey @NeighborDog, I humped your mother once. #whosyourdaddy
Bitches be crazy. Seriously, bitch just tried to eat my face. #craycray
Just livin’ the dream, lickin my balls #hahadon’thaveballs
Fuck you @Squirrel.
Walk fast or go home. #humanproblems
50 Shades of Grey? Yes please. #schnauzerbitches
@Humans I'll let you clip my toenails when you start letting me pluck your eyebrows. Didn't think so.
Stole a waffle off the counter. #YOLO
Real dogs don't wear sweaters.
Ball so hard muhfuckas wanna throw to me.
Almost puked on the tile, but made it to the carpet just in time. #winning
@Humans You don't understand why I don't want to jump in the car? Maybe it has something to do with that time I came home without balls.
Who let the dogs out? No one. #gottapee
@NeighborDog Pissed on your tennis ball. Enjoy.
Pour one out for our homies in cones.
Rawhide is not a substitute for love. #humanproblems
@FedExGuy Why'd you run? Leave your testicles in the truck? Let's open the door next time and see what happens.
@FedExGuy I realize you may have seen me poop on the floor while barking just now. Don't let it fool you. I will still fuck you up. #turdsoffury
Telling me to be nice to visitors then getting mad when I put a nose in their crotch. #petpeeve
WARNING! Do not eat the cheese! Humans are putting shit in the cheese!
Just watched #LadyandTheTramp. I’d hit that.
Just turned 7, but I feel 49. I dunno, old soul I guess.
Just watched the human inhale 10 fun sized Snickers. Starting to think that whole chocolate is lethal thing is a scam.
@Humans It was a fart, not sarin gas. Let's keep things in perspective.
RT Sniff my ass. I’ll sniff back.
Not fully understanding tweeting didn't get in the way of laughing out loud when I hit the carpet tweet. Cats must be in on that conspiracy, too. Explains so much!
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