Things My Dog Would Tweet

Peed on that. #mine

What they feedin’ you, bro? #highfiberdietsucks #turds

Hey @NeighborDog, I humped your mother once.  #whosyourdaddy

Bitches be crazy.  Seriously, bitch just tried to eat my face. #craycray

Just livin’ the dream, lickin my balls #hahadon’thaveballs

Fuck you @Squirrel.

Walk fast or go home. #humanproblems

50 Shades of Grey?  Yes please.  #schnauzerbitches

@Humans I'll let you clip my toenails when you start letting me pluck your eyebrows.  Didn't think so.

Stole a waffle off the counter. #YOLO

Real dogs don't wear sweaters.

Ball so hard muhfuckas wanna throw to me.

Almost puked on the tile, but made it to the carpet just in time. #winning

@Humans You don't understand why I don't want to jump in the car? Maybe it has something to do with that time I came home without balls.

Who let the dogs out? No one. #gottapee

@NeighborDog Pissed on your tennis ball.  Enjoy.

Pour one out for our homies in cones.

Rawhide is not a substitute for love. #humanproblems

@FedExGuy Why'd you run?  Leave your testicles in the truck?  Let's open the door next time and see what happens.

@FedExGuy I realize you may have seen me poop on the floor while barking just now.  Don't let it fool you.  I will still fuck you up. #turdsoffury

Telling me to be nice to visitors then getting mad when I put a nose in their crotch. #petpeeve

WARNING! Do not eat the cheese! Humans are putting shit in the cheese!

Just watched #LadyandTheTramp.  I’d hit that.

Just turned 7, but I feel 49.  I dunno, old soul I guess.

Just watched the human inhale 10 fun sized Snickers.  Starting to think that whole chocolate is lethal thing is a scam.

@Humans It was a fart, not sarin gas.  Let's keep things in perspective.

RT Sniff my ass.  I’ll sniff back.