Thursday, December 19, 2013

I Have Superfans So Some Things Are Going To Change

It’s a milestone day for me.  I have super fans.  Ok, so they’re people that work with my husband that read my blog, thought it would be fun to be on the blog and agreed to take a picture, but whatever…we’re going with superfans.  Meet Crystal and Nikki.

So now that I’m a big deal, I’ve been doing a lot of research into how to be a celebrity.  Some things are going to change.

For instance, I will now only be drinking soy milk.  Organic soy milk.  Make that free trade organic soy milk.  The thought of abused soy makes my stomach churn.  I have already penned a letter to Pamela Anderson asking her to join me in the fight against deplorable soy working conditions.  Don’t look at me like that.  Soy are people to, you know.  If Jenny McCarthy didn’t need science to talk about vaccinations, I don’t need it to talk about what constitute “a person”.  I’m a celebrity.  I have superfans.  Your argument is invalid.

I’m thinking of joining an obscure religion.  Scientology and Buddhism are kind of overplayed though so I’m thinking of branching out on my own.  There has to be some sort of super-natural power behind the socks lost in the dryer so I’m thinking of setting up an alter in my laundry room.  If you would like to join me, I welcome you to my religion with open arms and a reminder to say good-bye to your family forever because you will never speak to them again.  The sock God commands it.

I will be auditioning for new friends.  You know I love you all, but now that I’m big time I need friends that are more…celebrity-y.  That sounded shallow.  I’m okay with personal trainers and chefs too.  Just submit your resume and cool people references along with an essay to Crystal and Nikki explaining why I should give you the time of day.

I’m glad we could clear the air on the kind of person I’m going to become.  Be sure to look for me on The View shortly talking about equal rights for soy while meditating with socks on my hands.  Don’t be offended if I don’t talk to you when I see you in the store.  It’s not you, it’s me.  Because I am now better than you. 

Namaste and matching socks, people.

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