Wednesday, January 8, 2014

The Grass is Greener Under the German Wiener, Part 1

As I mentioned in my last post, I took a trip to Dallas Monday to visit the German consulate.  My brother and I had to get our German passports renewed and my mother is considering becoming an American citizen.  She wanted to ask some questions about maintaining duel citizenship.  We decided to make a family trip out of it and all go together.

I imagined the German consulate would be a little piece of home.  I imagined nice people in wire-rimmed glasses that harshly pronounced their R’s.  Maybe there would be a little old German man wearing black socks and sandals that looked like my Opi.  He would offer me hard candy.  I may be getting my childhood confused with a Werther’s commercial.  In real life, my Opi would have been smearing goose fat on a roll while I suppressed my gag reflex.  Either way, I was very wrong about what the German consulate would be like.

“Are you sure this is right?” I asked my mom as we pulled up to a shady looking apartment complex.
“He said it was in a suite when I talked to the guy on the phone.”
“Mom, these are apartments not suites,” said Nick.
“It’s the right address,” answered mom, double-checking her directions.

We stepped out of the car and began our search for the consulate aka suite aka apartment.  One of the doors had trash bags in front.  Some had worn lawn furniture.  We passed by one apartment where a lady was practicing the piano.  I started to wonder is this person my mother had talked to on the phone was not so much an honorable consulate as much as crazy person who lures people to his apartment to wear their skin as a coat but we kept walking anyway.

There were columns so I guess that's pretty stately.

Nick and I are 14 years apart so we didn’t really grow up together.  Now that we’re both adults we relive our lost childhood by acting like we’re 13-years old when we’re together.
“I wonder if we can buy drugs and illegal guns with our passport,” I wondered out loud.
“Hey, we’re going to see Saul!” said Nick.
“You guys are so goofy,” said my mother.
I proved her wrong by singing, “We’re going to get raped in the ass…doo da…doo da. We’re going to get raped in the ass…all the doo da day.”
Ever the optimist she said, “Guys, this isn’t so bad.  I bet this pool area is really nice in the spring.”
“Yeah, this is really nice!” said Nick laughing and pointing out the doormat he had just discovered.

I guess it’s appropriate that we found the wiener mat next to the German consulate seeing as how the dachshund is a German dog.  Now I use the word consulate loosely because what we found was an apartment with the words “Honorable German Consulate” and a small picture of the German eagle printed on a piece of paper, cut out, and taped to the window of an apartment.

To be continued…

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