Tuesday, March 25, 2014

About That Day I Talked To The FBI

“A Special Agent with the FBI is trying to get a hold of you,” said my father-in-law over the phone.

Damn it!  I knew I shouldn’t have recorded that VHS of Batteries Not Included! They were not kidding with those warnings. I should have known it was only a matter of time before the law caught up with me.

“He said it was in regards to your purse that was stolen 2 years ago.”

Oh. Guess the slammer will have to wait.

Two years ago we were in the middle of selling our house. I got a call for a last minute showing.  I loaded up the kids and dog and we went to the park for about 30 minutes. Sometime in that 30 minutes someone broke the window and stole my purse out of the car. I reported it to the police but nothing ever came of it. They did try to cash a check using my identity. I was told that there had been several reports of this type of activity and they suspected a gang of some sort.

Fast forward to this week. I was thinking they were going to tell me they caught the perp. (That’s how they talk.  I know…I watch Law & Order.) I was thinking they were going to ask me to testify. I had it all planned. I would bring down the house with a “You can’t handle the truth” speech that I would deliver with emotion and tears that did not smear my make-up.

I called and was ready to do whatever was asked of me. Go undercover, wear a wire, get my cousin Vinny to…wait, I think I’m getting confused. Anyway, I was psyched.

“Hi!  This is Sabine Brown. You were trying to get a hold of me in regards to my purse that was stolen 2 years ago?”
“Yeah, do you remember where you filed that police report?”
I told him.  I waited for the ask that would require great bravery but be necessary for the good of mankind.
“Well…that was all I really needed…thanks.”

No witness protection or nothin’. Well that was anti-climactic. I guess I’ll save my Jack Nicholson moment for when they finally catch up to me for that illegal copy of Batteries Not Included.


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