Monday, April 28, 2014

BREAKING NEWS: My life is interesting.

I’ve decided while watching CNN that my life would be a lot more exciting if I reported it like them. So here it goes…

BREAKING NEWS: Brown object found in my backyard. Is it a dog turd or a piece of Malaysian Flight 370 and is there anyway we’ll ever know?

BREAKING NEWS: Brown object is a turd. Turns out it’s actually quite easy to confirm.

BREAKING NEWS: About to eat a hard-boiled egg for breakfast. Will I choke and die?

BREAKING NEWS: No. I did not die, but does that mean I won’t choke and die tomorrow?

BREAKING NEWS: Experts confirm there is a possibility I could choke on a hard-boiled egg tomorrow! Tune in tomorrow for Breaking News to follow up on today’s Breaking News.

BREAKING NEWS: Backyard now covered in brown objects. Did Flight 370 end in my backyard?

BREAKING NEWS: Tune in for hour-long special report on turd/Flight 370 pieces mystery. We’ll ask the hard questions like is that a turd?

BREAKING NEWS: Nobody picked up poop this week. Can confirm backyard covered in turds and not pieces of Malaysian Flight 370. Who is responsible and does it have anything to do with Benghazi?

BREAKING NEWS: In death defying feat, I ate a hard-boiled egg two days in a row and did not choke and die. I’ll sit down with Wolf Blitzer and talk about my experience.

BREAKING NEWS:  Both of my children asked for white bread for their sandwich.  Is that racist and am I racist for asking that question?

BREAKING NEWS: MY DOG JUST FARTED!  I REPEAT...MY DOG JUST FARTED!

BREAKING NEWS: Sanjay Gupta weighs in on how many people have the ability to eat on a daily basis without choking. The answer may surprise you.

BREAKING NEWS: Going to take a nap. We are only 30 minutes away from knowing if my intended 30 minute nap was indeed 30 minutes. If it’s a 40 minute nap, is that because of Obamacare?

BREAKING NEWS: Is my life Breaking News worthy? The results of our poll...next.

Exclusive picture of near death eggs.





1 comment: