Tuesday, April 22, 2014

I Was Lied To For 9 Months. Twice.

Turns out that twice in my life I’ve been lied to. Both for 9-month stretches. I was perusing through Facebook today when I noticed several weight loss sites pitching their plans supposedly used by Kate Middleton and Kim Kardashian. Each before picture was of one of them pregnant.  Look at any magazine cover in the grocery store check-out lane and you'll know what I'm talking about.

It's like she lost a whole person.  Oh, wait...
This is where my anger comes in. Not because they are making child-bearing look like it’s something ugly, but because when everyone was referring to me as pregnant they really meant fat.

I have two kids. That means I wasted 18 months in a blissful pregnancy glow when I what I should have been doing was feeling like a fat cow. Well, it wasn’t all blissful. There was the vomiting, but if I would have known I was just fat I would have been happy about purging all those corn dogs.

If you look at all these pregnant “before” pictures paired with the slimmed down not pregnant after pictures, it appears I could have substituted a dietary supplement for my OB/GYN. How much time did I waste in the waiting room every month, when I could have just paid a visit to Weight Watchers? Or I could have had Dr. Oz as my obstetrician since I’m kinda weird about alternative medicine and feel better with an actual doctor.  Plus, he could have delivered my babies and my belly fat.

Everything just feels like a lie now. Maternity clothes? Let’s just call them what they are-clothes that cover up your beer gut so you can pretend you’re “growing a child” clothes. Seriously, we are enabling people and it’s sick.

See? Kourtney Kardashian got thin fast!  Me too. I got thin in eight hours. I was on the brilliant weight loss plan called push an actual human being out of your vagina. It’s so fucking easy!

Seriously, I can’t understand why anyone is fat anymore.

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