Sunday, September 28, 2014

Lists Are Helpful Until They’re Not

Lately, I’ve been into making lists. Like many people, I feel like I live in an endless world of kid demands, kid extra-curicular activities, and looking for shit that my kids have lost. I felt like by the end of the day I was exhausted and had done so much without really doing anything at all. For that reason, before I go to sleep I’ve been making a list of my priorities for the next day. I’ve even taken to getting up earlier so I can have some peace and quiet in the morning to get stuff done without breaking up an argument over who pretend touched who without really touching that person, a grievous offense in the six and under crowd.  This has been working pretty well, except for two things.

One. My kids sense when I get up. I got up at 6:40 the other morning, tip-toed into the living room only to be met by a “Momma?” at the bottom of the stairs. They sense when I need time alone or when I just need to get things done and that shit is unacceptable. Unless that thing I need to get done is looking for that one tiny Lego accessory that they lost 2 months ago but is now imperative that I find right now because nothing, I repeat, nothing will go right today if said Lego accessory is not found before leaving for school.

Two. I keep adding to the list. Not because I keep thinking of things that I need to do. Because I think of things I am about to do and add them to the list for the sole purpose of being able to cross them off therefore feeling more accomplished. They started off making sense. Hudson has picture day this week. I should jot down a reminder to make sure I put the picture payment in his bag that day. Sometimes they’re weak. I need to iron Hudson’s shirt for picture day and I am just about to go iron the shirt so I will write that down so I can immediately rush back to my list and cross it off than gloat about how organized and productive I am.

If I continue on this trend I will end up with a list that looks like this…

1)  Eat Food
2)  Take a nap.
3)  Pee
4)  Watch show about 600lb person on TLC
5)  Look at dog and exclaim for the 10th time today, “What the hell is wrong with your ass? Damn!”
6)  One up #4 by watching show about 1000 lb woman who may or may not have sat on a child.
7)  Edit #1 to read “Eat healthy food”
8)  Do not turn into 1000lb woman that sits on a child.
9)  Watch follow-up show to #6 “One Ton Killer: Transformed”
10) Write angry letter to TLC about how they exploiting the morbidly obese for their own financial gain.
11)  Check guide to see when show about man with 100lb scrotal tumor is playing tomorrow.
12) Make tomorrow’s list

I will leave you now because I need to cross of the last thing on today’s list.

13. Write blog post about list making to avoid doing actual work.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

No Children Were Harmed in the Making of This Post

This weekend my nieces came over. This crew has some serious cousin love and they love spending time together. My mother-in-law and I took them to the pond and the little creek in our neighborhood. They had a blast. They rode in our little red wagon. They looked at ducks and turtles. Here they are with my oldest niece carrying rocks to throw in the water.

And here is Kenzie getting ready to bludgeon her cousin in the head with a large rock.

Ok, so that didn't really happen. She was getting ready to throw that rock in the water when we asked her to turn for a picture and she wasn't just going to set it down. That would be preposterous. When a girl's gotta throw a rock a girl's got to be ready to throw that rock the minute you put your damn iPhone down. Milliseconds count here and that rock is not going to throw itself. Anyhow, let this be a photography lesson to you all. When taking family pictures, make sure that one family member does not look like they are about to murder another family member in an extremely violent fashion. It makes for some serious awkward moments at holiday gatherings.

Monday, September 8, 2014

A Little Girl Power

Ninja Princess

Sometimes it's confusing to be a girl. On one hand we tell them they can be anything they want and the next we're watching our favorite celebrities get torn apart for wearing the wrong dress/shoe combo on the red carpet. I have a 3-year old daughter, soon to be four. Like a lot of little girls her age, she is really into princesses and anything that is pink. Now there is nothing inherently wrong with that, but I just want to make sure that she is getting a message that goes beyond the importance of her appearance and how to walk in sparkly shoes. And let's face it, I'm not royalty and she is not going to grow up to be a princess. Unless she grows up to marry Prince George or succeeds in her current career aspirations of becoming a ninja princess. For this reason, I have picked out some of my favorite girl empowering books.

1) Part-Time Princess by Deborah Underwood-This story turns the tables on the tradition princess story. The princess in this story wears pretty dresses and goes to balls but also finds time to rescue the kingdom from a fire, tames dragons, and befriends trolls.

2) My Name is not Isabella by Jennifer Fosberry-Isabella uses her imagination to become some of the most  remarkable women throughout history. In the process, she learns a little bit about her own strength and courage.

3) Ladybug Girl by David Soman and Jacky Davis-Lulu's older brother tells her that she is too little for him to play with her.  Lulu uses her imagination and goes on a morning of adventures. She realizes that she is definitely not too little after all.

4) I am Rosa Parks and I am Amelia Earhart by Brad Meltzer-Both of these books are part of a series of biographies about ordinary people that changed the world, but they are told in a fun way that is perfect for young children.

5) Red Knit Cap Girl to the Rescue by Naoko Stoop-Red Knit Cap Girl and her forest friends rescue a lost polar bear cub and help him return home.

6) Ninja Red Riding Hood by Corey Rosen Schwartz-This is a modern twist on the story that you know. Red Riding Hood and Granny use their strength and cunning to defeat the big bad wolf. My kids think this one is hilarious and I will admit that I probably laughed a little to hard. Did I mention that Granny does tai chi?

Some resources that I have found for finding a plethora or confidence building books for girls are A Mightly Girl and PBS.

Let me hear from you. What are your favorite girl empowering books?

Saturday, September 6, 2014

It's Redhead Days. Nobody Cares.

Redhead Days are Sep. 5th-7th. It is now nearing the end of Redhead Days and I didn’t get a card or nothin’.

I’m disappointed in all of you. Here I am, a ginger right in front of you and I didn’t get a single piece of acknowledgement for how appreciated I am and how much the sheer nature of my hair color has enhanced your lives. And by enhanced your lives, I of course mean that when gingers take over the world as speculated, I will spare you from a life of misery if you know me and have been nice to me. Like by sending me a singing telegram for example. If you send me an e-card that took no thought, I’ll acknowledge it, but just in the sense that I’ll make sure you have a slightly less shitty job in the new ginger world order.

I've learned some fun facts about redheads. Like did you know that redheads don’t go gray? Basically, I’m a vampire. I suggest that if you don’t want to become ginger vampire food, you start paying me proper respect on Redhead Days. I like dark chocolate if you’re looking for suggestions.

Another reason you should care? Redheads can generate their own Vitamin D. You may not be seeing how this affects your life but let me spell it out for you. One day I’m going to go on America’s Got Talent. The judges will be all “Why are you just standing on stage?” and I’ll be all “I’m generating my own Vitamin D in low light conditions, bitches!” They will be shocked and awed. Then I will win the whole thing and take that show to Vegas. And then when I’m a famous millionaire, you all are going to be all, “Damn, I wish I would have been nicer to her and acknowledged her on Redhead Days so she would use her money to buy me an expensive exotic gift like an albino tiger.”

Also, if you pay me my proper respect like I deserve, when you develop osteoporosis and I don’t, I won’t make fun of you as much.

So get to shopping people! This ginger can’t wait all day! Seriously, it’s sunny outside and I burn easily.

The song of my people.

Monday, September 1, 2014

It's Like You Don't Know Me At All

My source of irritation this week is that I got 54% of the “How Hippie Are You?” quiz. It’s bullshit. They only reason I got half-hippie is because I don’t particularly like tie-dye and I like to shower. Apparently the writers of this quiz are only concerned with appearances, which is very non-hippie.

I bought my kids metal lunch trays so they could take lunch to school and produce no trash. I buy compostable trash bags and my husband is afraid to bring plastic bags home. Does that count for nothing, quiz writers?

Oh sure, I still drive an SUV, but I’m looking at a electric and hybrid cars and am planning on ordering a Ford Fusion Energi which can drive 21 miles fully electric so get off my case, quiz people!

Do you know that I compost quiz writers? Do you even care? Ok, I kind of gave up on that when the compost turned to what could only be described as the contents of a porta-potty, but still…it’s something.

My friend who lives in Portland, raises backyard chickens and wears patchouli oil only got 74%. How dare you deny her her full hippiness, quiz people?

I got half-hippie on the same day that I bought dental floss in cardboard recyclable packaging. Seriously, quiz writers? Hippie dental floss doesn’t even get me to 60%? Not that that even matters to them. They didn’t even bother to ask. It’s all about what I’m wearing and my personal hygiene. And if I like the Grateful Dead enough. I subscribe to both the Indie channel and the Woody Guthrie/Arlo Guthrie channel on Pandora. It’s like you don’t know me at all, quiz makers.

It's 100% vegan. In case anyone was worried about that.

I ate falafel flavored roasted chickpeas that I bought at Whole Foods. I didn’t even know falafel was considered a flavor, but that sounds pretty damn hippie to me.

I guess I’m going to go buy some hemp shoes now so the online quiz people will see me as the hippie that I know I truly am. If you need me, I’ll be eating my feelings along with this flaxseed, non-gluten muffin.

My dad likes to lament the fact that he somehow managed to raise two hippies. We took this especially for him.