Saturday, September 6, 2014

It's Redhead Days. Nobody Cares.

Redhead Days are Sep. 5th-7th. It is now nearing the end of Redhead Days and I didn’t get a card or nothin’.

I’m disappointed in all of you. Here I am, a ginger right in front of you and I didn’t get a single piece of acknowledgement for how appreciated I am and how much the sheer nature of my hair color has enhanced your lives. And by enhanced your lives, I of course mean that when gingers take over the world as speculated, I will spare you from a life of misery if you know me and have been nice to me. Like by sending me a singing telegram for example. If you send me an e-card that took no thought, I’ll acknowledge it, but just in the sense that I’ll make sure you have a slightly less shitty job in the new ginger world order.

I've learned some fun facts about redheads. Like did you know that redheads don’t go gray? Basically, I’m a vampire. I suggest that if you don’t want to become ginger vampire food, you start paying me proper respect on Redhead Days. I like dark chocolate if you’re looking for suggestions.

Another reason you should care? Redheads can generate their own Vitamin D. You may not be seeing how this affects your life but let me spell it out for you. One day I’m going to go on America’s Got Talent. The judges will be all “Why are you just standing on stage?” and I’ll be all “I’m generating my own Vitamin D in low light conditions, bitches!” They will be shocked and awed. Then I will win the whole thing and take that show to Vegas. And then when I’m a famous millionaire, you all are going to be all, “Damn, I wish I would have been nicer to her and acknowledged her on Redhead Days so she would use her money to buy me an expensive exotic gift like an albino tiger.”

Also, if you pay me my proper respect like I deserve, when you develop osteoporosis and I don’t, I won’t make fun of you as much.

So get to shopping people! This ginger can’t wait all day! Seriously, it’s sunny outside and I burn easily.

The song of my people.

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