Friday, August 26, 2016

It's a Good Thing Dudes Don't Wear Shorts or Ride Bicycles

“Why are women supposed to use special soap for their vaginas?” I asked my confused husband when he entered the living room.
“I think I missed something.”

He did. It was the Summer’s Eve commercial that was on right before he entered the room. The lady is seen wearing shorts in the summer and bicycling and apparently that is why she needs special vagina soap. Because I guess dudes don’t do those things?

Because if dudes wore shorts in summer and bicycled they would be sold special soap for their testicles, deodorant ball spray, and cleansing scrotal wipes similar to products that are sold to women. I think that’s why you never see guys in shorts or riding bicycles. Because if they did they would be spending all their money on testicular hygiene products.  Guys would be asking their guy friends out for a beer and would be told, “I can’t, man. I spent all my beer money on deodorant ball spray that smells like a field of summer flowers.” (Because everyone knows that genitals are supposed to smell like a field of summer flowers.)

So it’s a good thing that guys don’t wear shorts in the summer or ride bicycles.



Because if guys wore shorts in the summer or rode bicycles they would be asked questions like “Do you prefer to cleanse your balls during the day or at night?” and then have to choose among a line of time-specific ball cleansing products.  This is good because ladies already know the outright catastrophe that can happen if you choose the wrong product. You could have your genitals smelling like aloe at night when they are obviously supposed to smell like lavender.  That’s a societal faux pas you do not want to make. Every lady has had that moment of horror driving to a party at night and thinking, “Shit! Did I use the aloe daytime vagina wipes instead of the lavender nighttime vagina wipes?”

So it’s a good thing that dudes don’t wear shorts in the summer or ride bicycles.

One time my husband said that he saw a guy in the gym locker room drying his nether regions with a hair dryer and then applying baby powder. I still wonder if this really happened. Because if dudes were actually blow drying their balls, surely someone would have developed a line of ball deodorant powder. Well, I hope this did not really happen. If it did there’s a guy walking around with balls that smell like baby powder when they are obviously supposed to smell like tropical rain and how embarrassing is THAT?


So it’s a good thing that dudes don’t wear shorts in the summer or ride bicycles.



Because if dudes wore shorts in the summer or rode bicycles they would read quotes on websites selling testicular hygiene products that read “couldn’t live with out it!” It’s a little known secret that we ladies keep from the men, but if our lady parts don’t smell like tropical flowers we literally die. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Also, if you wore shorts in the summer or rode bicycles, guys, you would need special pH-formulated ball wash to keep your balls from falling off.


So keep not wearing shorts in the summer or riding bicycles, dudes. It’s saving you from a world of hurt.

1 comment:

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